3 Things I have Learned From Taking Care of My Dad

lefthand

When you take care of the elderly, it is 100% on-the-job-training.  There is no manual.  And what you encounter…well, you just can’t make this stuff up.

A little background first…my dad has Parkinson’s Disease.  He had been treated with the standard Parkinson’s meds for years but this past summer, after his first fall and fracture, we took him off this medication as we thought it may have been the cause of his fast onset of dementia-like symptoms.  At the time, we were operating as if he had fallen into a state of temporary delirium, something that is quite common with the elderly after the trauma he had experienced with this fracture and subsequent hospital stay.

The symptoms didn’t go away, however, but his Parkinson’s symptoms came back with a very loud roar, so last week, we re-started the Parkinson’s medication.  With Sinemet, the gold standard in Parkinson’s meds, a patient takes a dose throughout the day.  As the medication wears off, the symptoms return.  Therefore, when you are incorporating rehab into your day, you’ll want to time your session shortly after another dose of the medication is taken.  Not rocket science, yes?

LESSON #1:  DON’T ASSUME THE LEFT-HAND KNOWS WHAT THE RIGHT-HAND IS DOING

I found out, quite by accident, that the therapy folks were not coordinating the timing of their sessions with my dad with the nursing staff, who were giving him his medication.

LESSON #2: YOU HAVE TO BE OVERSEEING EVERY DETAIL OF YOUR PARENT’S CARE. YOU ARE THE KEEPER OF THE “BIG PICTURE.”

And finally, it is, I believe, impossible to take care of your mom or dad from afar.  I did this for about 10 years before I finally put my foot down and moved him across the country to be near me. You cannot possibly manage someone’s care properly unless you see them frequently, attend doctor’s appointments with them etc.  I also believe that after the age of 75, it becomes nearly impossible for a person to consider moving.  They begin to operate their lives using visual cues more and taking them out of their familiar environment can really throw them cognitively.  We are all living longer and eventually, we will all be dealing with this period in our lives.  My advice…and one I plan to follow…is to move near your kids (or whomever you have designated to be your healthcare proxy) before the age of 75.  That way, you get to enjoy being near them before you become so needy.

LESSON #3:  MOVE YOUR PARENT CLOSE TO YOU WHILE YOU CAN STILL ENJOY HAVING THEM NEARBY

My father never wanted to move. He gave me all the standard lines:

I have lived here for over 50 years;  my friends are all here;  I’d be a burden.  The usual statements you are likely to hear.

Here’s the truth:

  1. If you live long enough, as my dad has, many of his friends will pre-decease him.
  2. If you  move when you are still young enough, you’ll have the opportunity to make new friends.  If you wait too long, and you develop dementia, or Alzheimer’s, you won’t be making friends as you will be too compromised to do so.
  3. The burden story?  We all become a burden to our kids at some point.  It’s part of the circle of life.  It would have been SO MUCH BETTER to have had my dad living near me for at least 5 years prior to his slide into dementia.  Taking care of him without the benefit of those happy memories to draw upon – well, that’s where it feels like a burden.
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